Friday, September 16, 2011

Querencia draft


Its 8 o’clock in the morning, and see the bright beautiful sun shining through my windows. I smell the spam getting fried, and the coolers getting packed. I jump out of bed from all of the excitement that’s waiting ahead. Then I got into the kitchen to greet the family “good morning” and ask “do you need help with anything” their reply is “of course!”. So now I am off to work to get the day started.
            Next, I see my aunty going through our long checklist of things to pack. I hear her saying the list to herself “spam musubi’s …. check, chocolate cupcakes … check, plates, napkins, forks… check”. I am so excited to start a long fun fulfilled day ahead of me. We finally get ready by loading all of the coolers, boogie boards, sand boards, chairs, tents, volleyball and hibachi. We pack 2 cars full of beach supplies to keep us busy the whole day. I am impatiently waiting in my uncle’s car to reach Mokulei’a beach. I wait for 45 minutes listening to the radio and talking story with my uncle.
            I finally see the beach after my long ride and now I’m super excited to start my day with my family. My family and I got out of our cars and start unpacking. One by one I then see my aunty’s, uncle’s, and cousins arriving to join us on a beautiful day at the beach. “Thank goodness our beach isn’t that crowded today,” I tell my mom. Next I grab one side of the tent and help my uncle set it up. As a result it became a 20x20 tent and a pop up tent on the side of that, which on the inside had a table full of ono BBQ meat, dessert, chili, and a lot more. We also have at least a dozen chairs scattered under our tent, with mats on our floor.
            I see the sun shining bright and saw I looked a little white so I grabbed my towel and ran to lay in the sun to get a nice tan. I then see my cousins grab their towels and lay them out get a tan as well. Then I look at my watch and 10 minutes went by and I run and jump into the ocean to cool off, but as I was running I could see my dog Marley run after me. As I jump into the ocean I said to my self “OMG this feels so good right now!”  By lunch time the whole family comes to join us for a nice day at the beach, and there were at least 20 of us.
My cousins and I then grab our buckets to make our sand ramp for sand boarding into the water. We finally finished after 15 minutes of busting our butts off. I yell out “It’s time to sand board!”. I see my cousins grab their board and head down the hill standing with two feet on the board going down a steep wavy ramp of sand. I think to myself “what am I doing still standing here?!” so I grab my board and join the fun. I go down the hill so many times I lose track after the fifth time. I got tired of falling into the sand and salty ocean, so I slowly walk back up the hill of sand and reach my phone in my bag. I look at my phone to see what time it is and “it’s 5 o’clock already!” My mom said “Brookie go call your cousins we’re about to leave soon”. So my cousins and I gather our belongings and help clean up. Mokulei’a is where I can be myself and at the same time have a bunch of fun with my family.
            

4 comments:

  1. Hey Brookie! :) This was really good, you were very specific in where you were going, and with who, also great sensory details. Although pretty much everything was good, I'd suggest that you re-read this essay because there are some parts that don't make sense and maybe fix some spelling. For example,the very first part of the essay is okay, but maybe like the comma's and stuff like that are making it hard to understand/ make sense. :D

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  2. Hi Brooke! I also agree with Kaitlyn about your Querencia draft. Despite the few grammar issues, I like how you captured the excitement and fun in your draft. From the descriptions in the beginning where your family was getting ready to go to the beach, the the ending where it said, "Mokulei’a is where I can be myself and at the same time have a bunch of fun with my family." Good job and goodluck! (:

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  3. Hi Brooke,
    Nice job of describing your family's day at the beach. Your essay describes your emotional connection to the place.
    What I would suggest for the revision is to focus more on the place as your querencia and less on the actual event. In other words, show how you feel nurtured, how you can truly be yourself in this environment. Select the details from your day that best contribute to the focus.
    Note to Kaitlyn: You need to be more specific and focused in your comments. From reading them, I can't really tell what needs to be done. And I can't tell about your understanding of the assignment or the traits from your comments.
    mrs s

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  4. HI BROOKE! BYE BROOKE! HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKEEEE!!!!!!!! BYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE BBBBBBRRRRRRROOOKKKKKEEEEE!!!!

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