Sunday, September 9, 2012

College Essay- Draft 1


            Many people have super heroes, or famous people that they look up to, but not me. The one person I look up to the most in my life is my grandma who I call “Nana”. She is the shining star in my life. One of the most important lessons she taught me was to never take life for granted, and live life to the fullest. I thank her for everything she has done and taught me, because without her life lessons, I would not be the person I am today.      
            She taught me how important it is to be neat and organized all the time. Ever since I was an infant she always taught me how to be clean, neat, and organized. My family would tease me on how I was a little mini- me of nana, because I would clean the house just like her. In the beginning I would despise cleaning up after myself, but after about the hundredth time of hearing her tell me to clean this and that, I found myself doing it on my own. From this habit of being neat and organized since I was a toddler, it has helped me till this day. Being organized has helped me out a lot for school, sports, and everyday life. I know for a fact, that in college you have to always be on the top of things, and keep all your papers in order.
             I look up to my nana because I find her one of the humblest people in the world. For the time I had with her everywhere I went together all she did was take care of the people surrounding her, no matter who they were. I admire her so much for doing so, and I am slowly trying to be just like her. She always told me to help out where it’s needed. I learned that its rude not to help out, either if your at home or at a friends place. So everywhere I go, I ask everyone if they need help doing something when ever or where ever we are. My nana also taught me to never be greedy, and that we should always share. One of the most important things my nana taught me was to do what you love. As soon as I played my first year of club volleyball at the age of 12, I automatically fell in love with the sport. After playing club volleyball for two years, it was time to try out for high school volleyball. When I was trying out for high school volleyball I was very nervous, but the one thing that kept me at a positive attitude was my nana’s words saying “ Never give up, and do what you love.” and that’s exactly what I did. With that positive attitude I made the Moanalua High School JV volleyball team, and now at the time as a sophomore I am on the blue varsity team. From this experience I will never think negative of what I can and cannot do.
            I wish I could’ve thanked her for helping me become the person I am today. She means so much to me that ever since I was a baby, she taught me right from wrong. 

5 comments:

  1. The UO is interested in learning more about you. Write an essay of 500 words or less that shares information that we cannot find elsewhere on your application. Any topic you choose is welcome. Some ideas you might consider include your future ambitions and goals, a special talent or unusual interest that sets you apart from your peers, or a significant experience that influenced your life. If you are applying to the UO's Robert D. Clark Honors College, feel free to resubmit your honors college application essay.

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  2. Haaaaay Brooke,
    So your essay was very touching. It reallly made me want to meet your grandma since she sounds like such a nice person. Some things I liked about your essay is that you know how to put your story in order and that you include how your grandma had and still has such a big effect on you. Some things that I think you can improve on is your grammar, parts of your essay that sound cliche, and separating your topics. Make your grandma seem like the most wonderful person in the world, and make me see how different this would be from anyone else's story about their grandma. Besides a few changes, I really liked your essay!:)

    Joooooy:D

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  3. aw that's so sweet! Oh my gosh I like how you said that you actually clean! WOW THAT'S HILARIOUS! But anyways, I liked how you gave examples of how your nana has helped you become the person that you are today. One suggestion is to use more voice throughout this and use better details and feelings so it would help picture the moments clearer. What I think you should add are maybe some quotes for a better understanding.
    Overall this was a really cute story:)

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  4. You need to watch for repeating statements. "She taught me how important it is to be neat and organized all the time. Ever since I was an infant she always taught me how to be clean, neat, and organized." This means the same exact thing. Also please make conclusion stronger, it is lacking in leaving us with a lasting impression, explain more on how you are going to be as a person.

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  5. First of all, i love how you picked your nana as you significant figure, it really shows you and they way that you are and how you hope to be. But I agree with Mr. Zavala, watch that repeating statement "neat and organized". Although your story is good, you could make it better by elaborating more and going more into depth of how you want to be like your nana. Overall it was a very cute story! (:
    Good luck!

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